Plongée dans l'absurde

L'Absurde (que les Anglais appellent "NONSENSE"), c'est accepter comme normale une situation invraisemblable ; c'est accepter comme normale une phrase à double-sens, mais dans son sens improbable dans la situation donnée ; c'est tordre le sens des mots pour leur faire dire l'impensable, et ce, de façon tout à fait naturelle ; c'est comprendre quelque chose de travers, ou dire quelque chose de tordu, mais continuer comme si de rien n'était.
Toutefois ne vous y méprenez pas : l'absurde n'est pas une question de folie. C'est au contraire un cheminement très logique - trop logique même parfois !

1	A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead ! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
2	Deux ouvriers font la pause-repas tout en haut de leur échafaudage lors de la construction d'un gratte-ciel. Le premier sort de sa boite un énorme hamburger. Le second ouvre son panier-repas et constate qu'il est entièrement vide. Il s'écrie : - Ah, man ! Empty again. It's the same thing ever since my wife left me...
3	"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others." George Orwell in "Animal Farm" (1945)
4	Une Lady très chic s'est rendue au Casino pour tenter sa chance et faire fortune. Au cours de la soirée, elle ressent un besoin urgent et se rend donc aux toilettes. Elle découvre alors que la porte n'a pas de poignée, mais qu'elle est équipée d'un "bandit-manchot" (un levier et trois rouleaux sur lesquels sont dessinés des fruits). Une pancarte porte l'inscription suivante : "Trois poires, et la porte s'ouvre !"
5	Un couple respectable est sagement installé dans son salon. Monsieur lit le journal (The Times, très certainement !) et Madame s’approche de sa grande baie vitrée, l’air de rien, en se cachant un peu derrière son rideau, pour observer la maison d’en face (la même que la leur, indeed) avec ses habituelles bouteilles de lait posées par le « milkman » devant la porte d’entrée. Par la « bay-window » d’en face, on aperçoit deux corps gisant dans un désordre inhabituel… et notre lady de glisser à son mari : « On devrait peut-être prendre de leurs nouvelles, cela fait plusieurs jours qu’ils n’ont pas ramassé leur lait. »
6	- "Waiter, do you serve prawns ?" - "We serve anybody, Sir. Please, sit down."
7	After spending eight years in this country, the other day I was told by a very kind lady : - 'But why do you complain ? You really speak a most excellent accent without the slightest English.' Georges Mikes (in "How to be an Alien" - 1946)
8	HU'S ON FIRST by James Sherman (pour comprendre cette histoire, sachez que "Condi" est le surnom de Condoleezza Rice, conseillère du Président George W. BUSH qui confond ici des mots aux sonorités proches !) (We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
9	A woman with a family of eight children got on a train at Victoria Station in London. One of the children was eating an ice-cream, and he sat down next to a lady wearing an expensive fur coat. When his mother noticed this she shouted : "Be careful, George. You've got fur on your ice-cream !"

10	A policeman saw a man standing on London Bridge one night, obviously about to jump into the river. He rushed up to the man and said : "If you jump, Sir, it will be my duty to jump in after you to try and rescue you. Then I'll get wet, catch pneumonia, and maybe I'll die too. So why don't you go home quietly and put your head in the gas oven instead ?"

11	A station in London was full of angry commuters because all the trains were either late or cancelled as usual. One of them said to the guard : "I really don't understand why British Rail print timetables !" "Well," said the guard, "if we didn't, you wouldn't know how late the trains were."

12	A man was taken to court, accused of stealing an expensive shirt from a large store. The judge was not completely convinced of the man's guilt and told him that he was acquitted. "Acquitted ?", said the man. "Does that mean I can keep the shirt ?"

13	"Why does an ostrich have such a long neck ?", asked the teacher. "Because its head is a long way from its body,' replied Simon.

14	"Can I try on that blue shirt in the window ?" asked the customer in the clothes shop. "Certainly NOT, Sir," said the shop assistant. "You will have to use the changing room like everyone else."

15	Mr Brown was watching television when his son asked : "Dad, where are the Alps ?" "Ask your mother," replied Mr Brown. "She puts everything away !"

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Une Plongée dans l'Absurde