Histoires drôles en dessous de la ceinture !  


Il existe toutes sortes d'histoires drôles made in Britain. Certaines pourraient se passer n'importe où dans le monde, d'autres seront exclusivement British (ou américaines, écossaises, etc. ).  Pour faire simple, nous les avons classées par thèmes pour que chacun y trouve son genre d'humour préféré ...
YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE ! 
Vous trouverez ici des histoires qui ne volent pas bien haut. Or le sujet étant vital pour la survie de l'espèce, il ne pouvait donc pas être passé sous silence. Mais ne venez pas, ensuite, nous reprocher de vous avoir scandalisé(e) : vous avez été prévenu(e) ! 
Rassurez-vous, ce n'est pas tout sexe et cochonneries, c'est soit l'un soit l'autre, et encore, parfois, à peine !
Et puis ne soyez pas hypocrite : si vous êtes arrivé(e) sur cette page, ce n'est tout de même pas tout à fait par hasard, or is it ? 


1 Sir Thomas Beecham, grand chef d'orchestre britannique de la première moitié de XXème siècle, était réputé pour ses bons mots. 
S'adressant à une violoncelliste dont il était mécontent lors d'une répétition, il lança :
- Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it !

2

Une vieille Anglaise puritaine laisse entendre à tout le village que le cantonnier communal est un ivrogne invétéré. 
- Je vois chaque jour sa camionnette garée pendant plus de 2 heures devant le "pub" !
Ses propos finissent par arriver aux oreilles du cantonnier qui ne réagit pas. Mais le soir venu, il gare son véhicule municipal devant la porte de son accusatrice ... et il ne la reprend qu'au petit matin.

3 .First Welshman : "I hear Farmer Jones has been arrested for making love to a sheep."
Second Welshman : "Really ? Was it male or female ?"
First Welshman : "Female, of course. There is nothing wrong with old Jones !"

4

Queen Victoria aimait à passer ses vacances dans son château de Balmoral en Ecosse. 
Un jour elle demanda à un fermier écossais portant le Kilt traditionnel : "Is anything worn beneath the kilt ?"
Et ce rustaud qui avait compris de travers de lui répondre : "No, Ma'am, it's all in perfect working order."

5 - Why did the chicken cross the road ? (pour savoir d'où vient cette question, cf notre page comique de répétition)
- To run away from President Clinton's "cigar".

Corollaire à cette question :
- Why did President Clinton cross the road ?
- Because his "cigar" was stuck in the chicken.

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  Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. 
One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you !" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for !!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.

A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand ! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do ? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety !". With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend !!" The horse just smiled. 

And what is the moral of this story ? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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Thèmes Page d'entrée

 

© BP / PECAS - Octobre 2004
page complétée en décembre 2007