Histoires drôles & politiques  

Faire des blagues ("jokes") sur ses maîtres et responsables politiques est une tradition presque aussi vieille que notre civilisation. Très tôt sont apparus à la court du Roi le "jester" avec ses jongleries, bons mots et autres tours, et le "joker" avec ses blagues et farces. Ils pouvaient se permettre de dire, avec humour, aux puissants et au roi certaines vérités que personne n'aurait osé énoncer à haute voix sous peine d'y perdre sa liberté, voire même la tête !
Le palais de Buckingham n'a plus de "joker" officiel, mais les blagues sur la Reine et ses ministres continuent d'être inventées au quotidien pour la santé mentale de tous (elles déchargent de certaines tensions...). Leur lieux d'expression sont les pubs, la presse populaire, la télévision, la radio et Internet.
Alors, Long live the Queen ! ... et ses jokers.


Petit quiproquo excellent.
 (pour comprendre cette histoire, sachez que "Condi" est le surnom de Condoleezza Rice, conseillère du Président George W. BUSH qui confond ici des mots aux sonorités proches !)
  HU'S ON FIRST  by James Sherman
  (We take you now to the Oval Office.)
  George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
  Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
  George: Great. Lay it on me.
  Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
  George: That's what I want to know.
  Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
  George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
  Condi: Yes.
  George: I mean the fellow's name.
  Condi: Hu.
  George: The guy in China.
  Condi: Hu.
  George: The new leader of China.
  Condi: Hu.
  George: The Chinaman!
  Condi: Hu is leading China.
  George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
  Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
  George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
  Condi: That's the man's name.
  George: That's who's name?
  Condi: Yes.
  George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
  Condi: Yes, sir.
  George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
  Condi: That's correct.
  George: Then who is in China?
  Condi: Yes, sir.
  George: Yassir is in China?
  Condi: No, sir.
  George: Then who is?
  Condi: Yes, sir.
  George: Yassir?
  Condi: No, sir.
  George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. 
          Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
  Condi: Kofi?
  George: No, thanks.
  Condi: You want Kofi?
  George: No.
  Condi: You don't want Kofi.
  George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
          And then get me the U.N.
  Condi: Yes, sir.
  George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
  Condi: Kofi?
  George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
  Condi: And call who?
  George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
  Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
  George: Will you stay out of China?!
  Condi: Yes, sir.
  George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
  Condi: Kofi.
  George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
        (Condi picks up the phone.)
  Condi: Rice, here.
  George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. 
          Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. 
          Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?


You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of  four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

You have two cows. Both are mad.

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

You have two cows. You worship them.

3 Le Président Bill CLINTON se promenait un week-end incognito avec sa femme dans l'Arkansas profond (avant l'affaire "Monica" !). Ayant besoin de faire le plein du réservoir de la voiture, il s'arrête dans une station service isolée et délabrée. 
A sa grande surprise, pendant qu'il s'occupe de la voiture, il aperçoit Hillary riant à gorge déployée en grande conversation avec le pompiste crasseux et mal rasé. 
Lorsqu'ils eurent repris la route, il lui demanda des explications, et elle lui dit que c'était un de ses anciens boy-friends de l'université. 
Bill : Eh bien, heureusement que tu m'as épousé moi, autrement tu serais femme de pompiste.
Hillary : Ah non, dans ce cas là, il serait Président des Etats-Unis, et TU serais pompiste !


Axis of Evil
In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea 'Axis of Evil" - N.Y. Times, 1/30/02
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviller than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.
"This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, and within minutes France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.
Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Are Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay (???) denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

5 Un député britannique demandait un jour à Winston Churchill quelques conseils :
- " Can you tell me how I could have put more fire in my speech ?"
Et l'ancien Premier Ministre de lui répondre :
- " What you should have done is to have put your speech into the fire."

6 Le même Winston Churchill (à qui l'on prête beaucoup de bons mots) aurait également déclaré un jour :
"In Great Britain, governments often change their policies without changing their men. In France, they usually change their men without changing their policy."

7 Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office at the White House and sees the President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr President ?" the Vice-President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time !" the President beamed.
"How long did it take you ?"
"Well, just over a month, and the box said '3 to 5 years' !"

8 What Are Politics? 
A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies :  " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad I know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"



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page complétée en juillet 2005